Minnesota Bad Boys!
I have devised a way to fix the struggling 3-17 Minnesota Timberwolves. It involves a coaching change, a culture change, shorter shorts, a pair of goggles, some bad mustaches and some long tube socks. I have the remedy!
First move is to fire Kurt Rambis. I'm not saying he's doing a bad job, it's just that this plan of mine does not require the services of a filthy LA Laker in any capacity. The next move is quite obviously to promote Bill Laimbeer to Head Coach. This not only fills the Minneapolis air with a stench of brilliant arrogance but also reminds us that anything with Bill Laimbeer in it is better than without.
Next on the list is jersey number changes. Kevin Love will immediately be switched to Laimbeer's famous #40, Al Jefferson will sport goggles and a switch down to John Salley's #22 and Jonny Flynn will be bumped up a notch to the famous #11 of Isiah Thomas. (Like Sasha Pavlovic has a leg to stand on!) Finally, as all transitions take time, the Wolves will switch Damien Wilkins from his current #3 to Vinnie Johnson's number 15. He will only be referred to as the "Human Microwave" from this day forward.
Introducing the "Human Microwave" and the new "Zeke"!
Some other roles will develop as the season progresses of course. There's room for a stingy defender and tireless scorer to wear Joe Dumars' #4, a rebounding bruiser to wear James Edwards' #53 and if the cards fall right for the Wolves they can perhaps acquire a recently re-vitalized Ben Wallace from Detroit to wear Dennis Rodman's infamous #10. Hell, I'd even give Nathan Jawai the #44 jersey made famous by Rick Mahorn and tell him to just "smash people and rebound". It's the least I could do seeing as I just gave the heavy-set Australian's number away to a guy I've nicknamed the "Human Microwave".
All games will be played in the retro uniforms such as those worn at the Wolves last home game against Utah. Tube socks will be compulsory and shorts will need to be shorter.. not necessarily "80's short" however. Thanks for the memories Derek Fisher. The most important thing is the physical presence. The Wolves need to beat people up. They need to hurt people. Now before you write hate mail I do not mean in a broken leg or ruptured knee ligament kind of way, but just in that "aches and pains" way where teams will not want to come to Minnesota.
The style will be fresh, different and a pleasure to watch as no one has really adopted this style since the Knicks of the late 90's. It's time a team took the hard nosed approach again in this era of re-inventing things and calling them your own.
The time is now Minnesota. You can finally break away from the Minneapolis Laker ties from your past and forge yourself a new future under the guidance of a former Detroit Bad Boy.
A Bright Spot for “Ne’ Jersey”…
I was looking at the NBA standings today with nothing but the New Jersey Nets 0-13 record running through my mind. Looking for some inspiration for an article of course, I thought I'd draw up a detailed list of every little thing that has gone wrong for them this season. It would be a sad tale but one that would maybe provide excuses or maybe just some hope to Nets fans that it's not all as bad as it seems.
Milk was a bad choice.
Admittedly I started badly by not including the "w" in this article's "New Jersey" title.
This list was coming along great when I considered Yi Jianlian's injury, CDR's swine flu, Devin Harris' absence and Courtney Lee's disappearing act even when healthy. But when I took a closer look, I found something that didn't really seem fair.
Just take a look at the second night of the season, and consider who is getting the worse press out of these two teams...
Minnesota 95 def New Jersey 93!
It made me think of all of the negative focus on New Jersey lately. Especially that more-than-unreasonable mock jersey that Jay-Z modelled after the Nets lost their ninth game in a row to Orlando. (Not confirmed)
I figured that if the Nets had found just 3 more points in that October 28 game, it would've perhaps landed Minnesota in this embarrassing 0-13 position right now. Not the Nets. Shame Hova, Shame!
This blatant display of disrespect by Nets part-owner Jay-Z is certainly another low point this year.
What's really gone so catastrophically wrong for Minnesota this season? They lost a small Spanish "Mork-like" boy in Europe and Kevin Love broke his hand. They lost Al Jefferson for two games against Dallas and Memphis also. That's only two injuries and a Spanish milk carton! These issues stack up rather lightly compared to New Jersey's painful and often demoralizing November.
Finally, I tried to look into the future and determine via the schedule when the Nets could expect to win their first game. After all, the record for a non-victorious start to a season is 17.
Here are New Jersey's next 5 games...
- @ Denver
- @ Portland
- @ Sacramento
- @ Los Angeles Lakers
- vs. Dallas
Not pretty...
Not pretty at all.
I predict they will beat Sacramento but only if Lee, Harris and Jianlian are back to help out. Otherwise, it's record time for New Jersey. (At this point you're probably wondering "Wasn't he trying to help Nets fans?")
After all of my in-depth analysis, I've come to a conclusion. I couldn't really put my finger on what else had gone so wrong for the Wolves... so here is my one piece of hope, pitty, whatever you want to call it for New Jersey Nets fans.
You've had way more issues than Minnesota this year and they are actually just as terrible as you.
Congratulations, you'll probably get shafted by them in the Lottery come June.
And don't start me on that LeBron James talk...
Would the Bulls keep Rose?
In the incredibly boring lead-up to this season (sorry I just can't pretend pre-season is fun. It's just not. Hurrah for NBA 2k10!) I'm thinking ahead to next year. Not the played out "Where will LeBron go?", but what the ramifications to other players will be from that free agent class. Specifically Chicago.
I don't think Wade will leave Miami as they have the opportunity to add some serious talent around him in tax-free land, BUT in hypothetical world, if Wade did go home to Chicago, what would the Bulls do with Rose?
Could they play them together? Absolutely not. They both require the ball to be effective, and Rose is too good to play a lesser role. Who is he good enough to trade for?
Rose and Thomas for Jonny Flynn, Ryan Gomes and Kevin Love. Seriously, who flinches first on that trade?
Special order of win
Every year at least one team far outperforms their expected results in the win column.
Last year it was Denver who surprised us. In 2008 it was Atlanta. Before that the Warriors and in 2006 it was the Clippers of all people.
Who will it be this year?
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2010
As far as predictions go, I realize this is practically impossible to get 100% correct. A full scale prediction of every team's win-loss record for the upcoming season. And worse yet, it's only September! However, I thought this would be interesting to look back on in June 2010.
Eastern Conference W L
Western Conference W L
Cleveland 60 22
Boston 56 26
Orlando 54 28
Atlanta 50 32
Toronto 45 37
Chicago 43 39
Miami 42 40
Charlotte 39 43
Indiana 38 44
Washington 37 45
Detroit 34 48
Philadelphia 32 50
Milwaukee 28 54
New York 27 55
New Jersey 24 58
LA Lakers 62 20
San Antonio 56 26
Dallas 54 28
Denver 50 32
Portland 50 32
Utah 48 34
New Orleans 42 40
Oklahoma City 41 41
Houston 38 44
Phoenix 37 45
LA Clippers 36 46
Golden State 35 47
Memphis 31 51
Minnesota 28 54
Sacramento 15 67
In making these predictions, I've taken into account all roster changes up to and including the 13th of September 2009. As soon as a blockbuster deal goes down, I may have to edit these figures.
I'm excited to see what Blake Griffin can do for the Clippers, what Allen Iverson can bring to the Grizzlies and how Amare Stoudemire will handle being stuck on a 37-win team. But most importantly, it will be interesting to see who can secure home court advantage throughout the entire Playoffs. This one fact alone may determine the Champion this year.
As always, time will tell and bring on the upcoming season!!!
The boy who cried Timberwolf…
So it appears that Ricky Rubio has turned his Spanish nose up at Minnesota. Fair call I guess... He'll stay in Europe for a couple of years and then report to the Wolves in 2011. I can't stop laughing... He's basically given the Wolves the "talk to the hand" face to palm treatment.
It's like when you're getting calls from a girl you don't want to see ever again. You don't answer a few times and then eventually you get a text message saying, "Hey, it's so and so here... look I really enjoy your company and I'd like to see you again soon. Drop me a line!"... And you simply text back...
"Who's this?".
There's a 95% chance you'll never get another text/call from this person again.
I expect the same thing to happen to the Wolves in the pre-season of 2011.
Go Wolves!
But more importantly, Go Jonny Flynn!
I look forward to seeing this kid flourish in Minnesota now and then bolt for a bigger market once his contract is up.
Err... Go Wolves!
Predictably… we’re back..
Ok, so I have a small admission to make. The teams I mentioned earlier MAY very well make a scattered NBA Finals appearance here and there... (like Orlando's one in 15yr spot this past season) but none of them will win a Championship for the next 10 years. I stand by that.
Also, winning is ALL about the Championship! Who wants to be the gimp that Tiger Woods always defeats? Or a "really good Quarterback" behind Donovan McNabb! (Good luck to Michael Vick by the way!). The goal is to win Championships, and that is how you are ultimately judged. Charles Barkley was an incredible player , as too was Patrick Ewing. Both players have been praised plenty in their lifetimes... but they never won a Championship, and it DOES affect the way they'll be remembered.
Are you saying these teams have recently developed said financial constraints? If not, then my point is proven and we don't even need to monitor this.
I'll say it... The Pistons were failures.
They dominated a 6 year span and walked away with one trophy. Once again, as good as they were, they'll always be held in lower regard than teams that managed to achieve more. It's life Ryan.
PS - Minnesota will not even reach the Conference Finals in the next 10 years. Write it down. Put it on the fridge.
Oh we’re back!
Good work Paul.
Picking the teams with the worst financial situations and saying they aren't going to compete. Real investigative journalism champ.
Plus, I know you're just baiting me, but you're an idiot. Orlando is a legit contender this year, and 'winning' isn't just about the championship. To suggest that the Pistons are abject failures because they only won one championship over the decade is foolish, but exactly what you are suggesting with comments like this. They were the benchmark of excellence for the better part of a decade. That matters.
The Wolves also have a chance to be a nice team.
Robert Sarver should be drawn and quartered for what he's done with Phoenix. Way to take a dump on your fans Sarver.
I hate Paul. It's nice to be back.
Welcome back!
Well it's about time...
Safe to say we've been away for a while and a lot has happened in the NBA. (More posts to follow, this is just a taste)
Firstly, Ron Artest is a Laker... Ariza is a Rocket... AI might be a Grizzly... 'Sheed is a Celtic... Shaq is a Cavalier... RJ is a Spur... VC is a Magician... Turk is a Raptor... Andre Miller is a Blazer... The Matrix is a Maverick... and finally Emeka Okafor is a Hornet. The competition this season will be electrifying with the likes of San Antonio, Los Angeles Lakers, Cleveland, Boston, Orlando and the Clippers all looking to make a run at the trophy.
Sorry Clippers fans, that was cruel. But if you think the franchise has turned around just because you drafted Mr Potato Head Griffin, then it's going to continue to be a sad state of affairs for you. I personally think you can look at some teams and just KNOW that nothing is going to be won for the next 10years... except maybe the lottery. I put the following teams in that category:
Los Angeles Clippers
Memphis Grizzlies
Milwaukee Bucks
Charlotte Bobcats
Indiana Pacers
Washington Wizards
Sacramento Kings
Orlando Magic
Minnesota Timberwolves
Phoenix Suns
That's my list, and I'm sticking to it. Call me in 10 years and I guarantee there will not be an NBA Champion among these franchises.
Bring on the new season!!
On the Move…
Well, moving sucks...
Whether it's my move into a new apartment, or a few NBA players' respective moves this off season. Some things work great, while others are just plain gut wrenching.
I'm going to list some good and bad experiences from my recent move, and we'll equate them to some NBA movement.
1) The Truck: Any time you move, you need reliable truck. One that doesn't slip gears, an automatic if possible and well, ropes and padding for support are key. When you're well prepared and you execute properly, it's a fun ride. If you don't secure your load and drive like a maniac, things are horrible and expensive. My move was very smooth and nothing got broken. Not everyone can say that...
Which brings me to Cleveland and Shaquille O'Neal.
The exact same metaphor can be used for this signing. If Shaq's looked after, uninjured and the supporting cast work well with him, the Cavaliers could move to a White House visit next June. Failing this, I see a lot of smashed glass and expensive insurance claims.
2) The Real Estate Agents: We all love to hate them but they do, in most cases iron out the details and ensure a smooth and easy transition to life in a new home. With a good Agent, you can make sure all maintenance is taken care of quickly and with minimal delay. A bad agent offers little feedback, leaves your tap leaking and your window locks non-existent. One of our garage remotes doesn't work, our oven is useless and the condition report was full of more lies than a Florida ballot box.
Which brings me to the Minnesota Timberwolves, and Ricky Rubio.
It's safe to assume that Wolves fans are still feeling a little confused when it comes to their franchise's basic mission statement. Drafting two stellar Point Guard prospects doesn't really fill your general fan with much confidence going forward. David Kahn seems to have a plan, but that plan seems to have too any "back up" options at this stage and no clear goal. To keep answering questions with more questions or just trying to shift the focus to anyone else in the equation is average. Every time Kahn is asked about anything to do with Rubio he just states that everything hinges on the movements of the Agents, the Rubio family, DKV Joventut or Dan Fegan. If I was a Wolves fan, I'd be screaming!
3) The Rent: No one wants to pay rent. But in some cases we have to. You want to negotiate a good price and no one ever wants to feel like they're overpaying. For where we're situated regarding work, freeways, shops etc... We're satisfied.
Which brings me to Shawn Marion and Jason Kidd.
Some people just have too much money. For Dallas to sign these two to the contracts chosen is just a shining example to me that Mark Cuban needs a holiday or a shrink... Or both. Kidd, (3yrs at more than $25m) has been decaying quicker than Derek Fisher over the past 2 years and Marion, (5yrs at close to $40m) hasn't looked like anything since he lived in Arizona. The pair might work great in the open floor and I might have egg on my face, but I think Cuban backed the rental truck into his new house on this one.
And finally...
4) The Friends: With any move, you need good helpers to get the job done. Some good help can be hard to find, but not in my case. My good friend Ryz and my flatmate John were a great help and while their manual labour was appreciated, it was the commeraderie and beer drinking that sealed the deal. Good friends stick together and knowing you can always count on them is the best part.
Which brings me to Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat.
Wade wants to win, and I could end the paragraph there really. Miami wants to secure him long term. The trouble is, how can Wade commit himself to a team for 6 years and 3 Playoff appearances? That's all they might get if they ink Allen Iverson to a stupid deal or perhaps lose a couple of players to the free agent market. I'm with Dwyane on this one. You need to know that your franchise has your back. Make the moves that will boost Miami to the place the Lakers were three years ago. Make a splash and send a definitive message to the League, the fans and most importantly the best player ever to wear your colours that you're committed to challenging for the trophy. If not, then the Chicago native may take "Wade's World" to the Windy City to start a new revolution at the United Center. It's been just long enough in my opinion, Chicago is ready for a new Heir Apparent.
All in all a successful move for me. Time will tell as to which NBA teams can say the same.