Minnesota Bad Boys!
I have devised a way to fix the struggling 3-17 Minnesota Timberwolves. It involves a coaching change, a culture change, shorter shorts, a pair of goggles, some bad mustaches and some long tube socks. I have the remedy!
First move is to fire Kurt Rambis. I'm not saying he's doing a bad job, it's just that this plan of mine does not require the services of a filthy LA Laker in any capacity. The next move is quite obviously to promote Bill Laimbeer to Head Coach. This not only fills the Minneapolis air with a stench of brilliant arrogance but also reminds us that anything with Bill Laimbeer in it is better than without.
Next on the list is jersey number changes. Kevin Love will immediately be switched to Laimbeer's famous #40, Al Jefferson will sport goggles and a switch down to John Salley's #22 and Jonny Flynn will be bumped up a notch to the famous #11 of Isiah Thomas. (Like Sasha Pavlovic has a leg to stand on!) Finally, as all transitions take time, the Wolves will switch Damien Wilkins from his current #3 to Vinnie Johnson's number 15. He will only be referred to as the "Human Microwave" from this day forward.
Introducing the "Human Microwave" and the new "Zeke"!
Some other roles will develop as the season progresses of course. There's room for a stingy defender and tireless scorer to wear Joe Dumars' #4, a rebounding bruiser to wear James Edwards' #53 and if the cards fall right for the Wolves they can perhaps acquire a recently re-vitalized Ben Wallace from Detroit to wear Dennis Rodman's infamous #10. Hell, I'd even give Nathan Jawai the #44 jersey made famous by Rick Mahorn and tell him to just "smash people and rebound". It's the least I could do seeing as I just gave the heavy-set Australian's number away to a guy I've nicknamed the "Human Microwave".
All games will be played in the retro uniforms such as those worn at the Wolves last home game against Utah. Tube socks will be compulsory and shorts will need to be shorter.. not necessarily "80's short" however. Thanks for the memories Derek Fisher. The most important thing is the physical presence. The Wolves need to beat people up. They need to hurt people. Now before you write hate mail I do not mean in a broken leg or ruptured knee ligament kind of way, but just in that "aches and pains" way where teams will not want to come to Minnesota.
The style will be fresh, different and a pleasure to watch as no one has really adopted this style since the Knicks of the late 90's. It's time a team took the hard nosed approach again in this era of re-inventing things and calling them your own.
The time is now Minnesota. You can finally break away from the Minneapolis Laker ties from your past and forge yourself a new future under the guidance of a former Detroit Bad Boy.
On the Move…
Well, moving sucks...
Whether it's my move into a new apartment, or a few NBA players' respective moves this off season. Some things work great, while others are just plain gut wrenching.
I'm going to list some good and bad experiences from my recent move, and we'll equate them to some NBA movement.
1) The Truck: Any time you move, you need reliable truck. One that doesn't slip gears, an automatic if possible and well, ropes and padding for support are key. When you're well prepared and you execute properly, it's a fun ride. If you don't secure your load and drive like a maniac, things are horrible and expensive. My move was very smooth and nothing got broken. Not everyone can say that...
Which brings me to Cleveland and Shaquille O'Neal.
The exact same metaphor can be used for this signing. If Shaq's looked after, uninjured and the supporting cast work well with him, the Cavaliers could move to a White House visit next June. Failing this, I see a lot of smashed glass and expensive insurance claims.
2) The Real Estate Agents: We all love to hate them but they do, in most cases iron out the details and ensure a smooth and easy transition to life in a new home. With a good Agent, you can make sure all maintenance is taken care of quickly and with minimal delay. A bad agent offers little feedback, leaves your tap leaking and your window locks non-existent. One of our garage remotes doesn't work, our oven is useless and the condition report was full of more lies than a Florida ballot box.
Which brings me to the Minnesota Timberwolves, and Ricky Rubio.
It's safe to assume that Wolves fans are still feeling a little confused when it comes to their franchise's basic mission statement. Drafting two stellar Point Guard prospects doesn't really fill your general fan with much confidence going forward. David Kahn seems to have a plan, but that plan seems to have too any "back up" options at this stage and no clear goal. To keep answering questions with more questions or just trying to shift the focus to anyone else in the equation is average. Every time Kahn is asked about anything to do with Rubio he just states that everything hinges on the movements of the Agents, the Rubio family, DKV Joventut or Dan Fegan. If I was a Wolves fan, I'd be screaming!
3) The Rent: No one wants to pay rent. But in some cases we have to. You want to negotiate a good price and no one ever wants to feel like they're overpaying. For where we're situated regarding work, freeways, shops etc... We're satisfied.
Which brings me to Shawn Marion and Jason Kidd.
Some people just have too much money. For Dallas to sign these two to the contracts chosen is just a shining example to me that Mark Cuban needs a holiday or a shrink... Or both. Kidd, (3yrs at more than $25m) has been decaying quicker than Derek Fisher over the past 2 years and Marion, (5yrs at close to $40m) hasn't looked like anything since he lived in Arizona. The pair might work great in the open floor and I might have egg on my face, but I think Cuban backed the rental truck into his new house on this one.
And finally...
4) The Friends: With any move, you need good helpers to get the job done. Some good help can be hard to find, but not in my case. My good friend Ryz and my flatmate John were a great help and while their manual labour was appreciated, it was the commeraderie and beer drinking that sealed the deal. Good friends stick together and knowing you can always count on them is the best part.
Which brings me to Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat.
Wade wants to win, and I could end the paragraph there really. Miami wants to secure him long term. The trouble is, how can Wade commit himself to a team for 6 years and 3 Playoff appearances? That's all they might get if they ink Allen Iverson to a stupid deal or perhaps lose a couple of players to the free agent market. I'm with Dwyane on this one. You need to know that your franchise has your back. Make the moves that will boost Miami to the place the Lakers were three years ago. Make a splash and send a definitive message to the League, the fans and most importantly the best player ever to wear your colours that you're committed to challenging for the trophy. If not, then the Chicago native may take "Wade's World" to the Windy City to start a new revolution at the United Center. It's been just long enough in my opinion, Chicago is ready for a new Heir Apparent.
All in all a successful move for me. Time will tell as to which NBA teams can say the same.
62.5 reasons to like the Lakers’ chances…
Any time a team shoots 62.5% from the field and nearly loses at home... it's cause for celebration.
If you're me. Or a Lakers fan.
A must-win Game 4 to be played tonight should result in a 3-1 lead for the Lakers. I would be very surprised if the Magic can take two in a row.
For all the doubters who like to bring up the Lakers inability to play two "good" games in a row... I would argue that the same could be said about "bad" games.
Two things are sure bets tonight...
1) The Orlando Magic will shoot 45% or lower.
2) The Lakers will shoot over 45% from the field.
Not good news for the Orlando Magicians.
And now we wait...
Update: Quarter time... and I'm way off.
Post game update: Derek Fisher, welcome to the Finals. Orlando fit my prophecy, the Lakers did not. But as they say in the classics...
A win's a win.
Seven’s the key number here…
Just so the heading makes sense, yes, I agree both series' look like going seven. I'm probably the last to jump on this train but hey, I'm on, I have a ticket and I'll enjoy the show.
As for Kobe, ok, so the three's appear to have been bad judgement. If he makes them however, we are all in awe and the Black Mamba has again struck. You know he thinks every one is going in, so hard to comprehend what's going through Kobe's mind at times. If you remove the three's from the equation and he has a respectable 8 for 16 game, .500 from the field and a healthy 12 for 13 from the charity stripe. So apart from the three's, I see a relatively competent offensive performance from Kobe and employees 16 and 17 respectively.
(Note: I'm intentionally not mentioning the Lakers' bench performance tonight. It speaks for itself and you don't always need to be hand fed ammunition!)
The facts are clear and history will show a simply horrible performance by the Lakers. The 20 point loss or thereabouts looks horrible but history doesn't generally remember individual game margins, just Championship series' results.
Now Ryan, to say professional NBA athletes don't try on the offensive boards because they don't get as many shots as another guy is ridiculous! I fail to see where you come from with that. This is not a social pickup game on a Sunday afternoon. These guys are paid millions of dollars to do a job. Any job in life has the same situations.
You've got Phil the Chairman of the Board, Kobe the CEO, Pau the Managing Director and Sasha Vujacic and DJ MBenga the odd-couple janitors. There's certain things that get done by certain people, that's life.
The real problem to me, and I must agree with Michael Wilbon here, is that apart from Kobe, the Lakers appear to have litle to no killer instinct. You could buzz cut Pau's hair "Jackass" style and he wouldn't want to fight you. I rate Aziza's toughness and even Fisher for an old veteran, but Fisher's biggest play this series has been a shoving match with KMart on a jumpall. Can someone tell me why Fisher was the only one T'd on that play?? Anyway... No matter how tough you are or pretend to be... there has to be backup of good play.
Example: JR Smith is an immature, disruptive turd of a player and one I wouldn't want on my team, much like Sasha Vujacic in a lot of ways. We've seen Sasha piss every Laker player, coach and fan off with some brainless plays during these Playoffs. Smith's technical at the end of the 3rd quarter in Game 3 could be seen as the same sort of crime except for one thing... he made the damn shot!!
I was listening to Bill Simmons' "BS Report" last night and heard him talking about a scenario involving a Ron Artest for Lamar Odom deal. I know we're in the middle of a great Playoffs but regardless of where the Lakers finish this run, I am salivating at the thought of Ron wearing a purple and gold #73 next season. Toughness issue? Fixed.
Ok... focus Paul.. get back to the point.
Denver is faced with undoubtably their biggest game in franchise history on Wednesday night. If the Nuggets can take that game... Whoa! It could be lights out for LA and a long off season of which only seven or eight of the current Lakers return to fight another day. Maybe a reality show could take shape..?
I'm picturing something very similar to Dave Chappelle's parody of Diddy's "Making the Band". Sasha would have to fetch Kobe a sugar cookie from Venice Beach or Kobe would shut down the studio. And just for the record, the five greatest big men of all-time would probably be; Bynum... Bynum... Bynum, Bynum, Bynum.
For the record I'm genuinely excited regarding the coming NBA Finals, as long as the Orlando Magic have no part of it.
Tomorrow is huge for the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Prophecy fulfilled…?
The Lakers are up 2-1. So the series is back on home court and my 2-0 prophecy is sort of fulfilled. (Note: Such a stupid thing to say really, but hey... I can fantasize that Denver won Game 3 only!)
What impressed me about the Lakers victory, apart from Kobe's performance, was Gasol's crunch time scoring in the 4th. Unfortunately the one thing that made me want to vomit blood during the same game, was Gasol's defense. He was like a wayward, disloyal teammate on NBA Live that just "doesn't do it right". We've all been there, you defend the pick and roll, and you follow your direct opponent. Your computer controlled jerk teammate, who is meant to be helping you, simply walks away from the jump shooter and "SWISH"... you AGAIN fail to stop the computer from scoring.
Gasol wasn't even putting a hand up at the shooter! There was no legitimate argument against the fact he was either concussed or temporarily retarded. The amount of open shots that the Nuggets got was excruciating to watch.
Some side notes: Kobe's performance was incredible. In the words of Yoda, "Carry them... he did". Derek Fisher is looking worse and worse in every game. I can't wait for him to "break out" with a 10 point performance. I'm also hoping Denver keeps concentrating on three-point shooting at practice... and staying away from those annoying "inbound" and "defense without fouling" drills.
And LeBron's shot!?!?!??
I should devote a whole post to how I feel about this moment in NBA history but a few things hold me back. Firstly, I didn't get to see it live. So really, my view is already tainted. (Ryan saw it live and I look forward to an account!) Secondly, I've watched it about 50 times now, (the only excessively replayed play that I'm not annoyed with) and am still covered in goosebumps and speechless. So I'll simply buy a "WITNESS" tshirt and leave it at that.
Mama there goes the memory of Craig Ehlo.
Counting Crows…
Crowing about an elimination in Denver makes no sense. The series still has to come back through LA. So with that "nugget" of wisdom, I discount most to all of everything you ever have to say about the Lakers. You are obviously delusional.
I'm going to wait until I've seen it in it's entirety before I pass judgment, but giving Fish the three at the end has me thinking it was a broken play. Either way, it aint over... it's only just begun.
Pop quiz… which Laker bench players deserve an NDBL contract?
Funny you mention how I can bring Kobe up at any time. I was brushing my teeth this evening and I realised Kobe Bryant is an anagram of "a knobb trey". That's perfect for what I think of him. Just one giant plate full of d!cks.
Of course Adam Morrison isn't taking the court. I was suggesting that the Lakers bench is so much weaker than last year, and that is the reason they will not be repeat finalists. Losing Radmanovic for two salary cap inclusions hurts the Lakers. Shannon Brown ... a player who would not have got minutes on last years team, hurts the Lakers. The 08/09 Farmar, Vujacic and Fisher hurt the Lakers. Their 07/08 selves would not have let Shanon Brown make an appearance. But now, due to the a knobb trey of guard production, Shannon Brown actually looks good. Oops.
And Fisher isn't in a slump. He's just d.u.n. He's old. He can't even keep up with Rocky the Denver mascot, so he's not gonna stay with Chauncey Billups . Plus Billups will just destroy him in the post like he did in the finals in '04.
Point guard used to be a strength of this Lakers team, with the flexibility to go with the old sage, or the young athletic buck. Both of whom could hit the open three and keep defenses honest. Now it's just a revolving door for other teams PGs to feast on on offense, and sag off of to make defending Gasol and Kobe easier on defense.
Ding ding… it’s the idiot bell
Paul, you are a moron. Let me count the reasons (basketball only, we don't have time for everything):
1. You bring up the Celtics when they are no longer playoff relevant.
2. You don't understand that the Laker bench has been crap for most of the year. It's not just gonna appear in round three.
First the Lakers traded Rad-man and his snowboard for Shannon Brown and Adam "3rd pick in the draft" Morrison. Hasn't helped to send off the best shooter not named Kobe. But let's look at the rest of the bench.
Luke Waltons Stats:
| Year | Team | G | GS | MPG | FG% | 3P% | FT% | OFF | DEF | RPG | APG | SPG | BPG | TO | PF | PPG |
| 06-07 | LAL | 60 | 60 | 33.0 | 0.474 | 0.387 | 0.745 | 1.5 | 3.6 | 5.0 | 4.3 | 1.0 | 0.3 | 1.97 | 2.00 | 11.4 |
| 07-08 | LAL | 74 | 31 | 23.4 | 0.450 | 0.333 | 0.706 | 1.1 | 2.8 | 3.9 | 2.9 | 0.8 | 0.2 | 1.35 | 1.80 | 7.2 |
| 08-09 | LAL | 65 | 34 | 17.9 | 0.436 | 0.298 | 0.719 | 0.8 | 1.9 | 2.8 | 2.7 | 0.5 | 0.2 | 1.06 | 1.60 | 5.0 |
Walton has gotten worse each of the last three years. Wait... there's a theme here. Let's move on.
Vujacic has also gotten worse. In fact... he's a useless chucker now, rather than valuable bench player. Look at those percentages free fall.
Sasha Baron-Cohen Vujacic' stats:
| Year | Team | G | GS | MPG | FG% | 3P% | FT% | OFF | DEF | RPG | APG | SPG | BPG | TO | PF | PPG |
| 06-07 | LAL | 73 | 4 | 12.8 | 0.392 | 0.373 | 0.878 | 0.4 | 1.1 | 1.5 | 0.9 | 0.6 | 0.0 | 0.41 | 1.40 | 4.3 |
| 07-08 | LAL | 72 | 0 | 17.8 | 0.454 | 0.437 | 0.835 | 0.3 | 1.9 | 2.1 | 1.0 | 0.5 | 0.1 | 0.72 | 1.50 | 8.8 |
| 08-09 | LAL | 80 | 0 | 16.2 | 0.387 | 0.363 | 0.921 | 0.2 | 1.5 | 1.7 | 1.4 | 1.0 | 0.1 | 0.44 | 1.90 | 5.8 |
But the grand pooh-bah is Jordan Farmar, who has pulled a Lindbergh baby with his incredible disappearing act.
Jordan Farmars' stats:
| Year | Team | G | GS | MPG | FG% | 3P% | FT% | OFF | DEF | RPG | APG | SPG | BPG | TO | PF | PPG |
| 06-07 | LAL | 72 | 2 | 15.1 | 0.422 | 0.328 | 0.711 | 0.3 | 1.3 | 1.7 | 1.9 | 0.6 | 0.1 | 1.01 | 1.10 | 4.4 |
| 07-08 | LAL | 82 | 0 | 20.6 | 0.461 | 0.371 | 0.679 | 0.5 | 1.8 | 2.2 | 2.7 | 0.9 | 0.1 | 1.32 | 1.30 | 9.1 |
| 08-09 | LAL | 65 | 0 | 18.3 | 0.391 | 0.336 | 0.584 | 0.3 | 1.5 | 1.8 | 2.4 | 0.9 | 0.2 | 1.34 | 1.60 | 6.4 |
Wow. I could have sword Farmar used to belong in the NBA. But just like his other bench buddies, he has forgotten how to shoot. Perhaps it's because Kobe holds the rock so much, they've forgotten what it looks like.
So Paul, do you really think that the slump is just going to turn around? It's been happening all year.
Now lets look at the worst offender. The decomposing corpse Derek Fisher.
| Playoffs | Team | G | GS | MPG | FG% | 3p% | FT% | OFF | DEF | RPG | APG | SPG | BPG | TO | PF | PPG |
| First Round | LAL | 5 | 5 | 29.2 | 0.438 | 0.313 | 0.824 | 0.0 | 2.0 | 2.0 | 3.0 | 0.8 | 0.0 | 1.20 | 3.40 | 9.4 |
| Conf. Semi-Finals | LAL | 6 | 6 | 24.0 | 0.308 | 0.067 | 1.000 | 0.2 | 1.3 | 1.5 | 1.2 | 0.8 | 0.2 | 0.83 | 1.70 | 5.3 |
| Playoff Averages | LAL | 11 | 11 | 26.3 | 0.366 | 0.194 | 0.875 | 0.1 | 1.6 | 1.7 | 2.0 | 0.8 | 0.1 | 1.00 | 2.50 | 7.2 |
That's embarassing. He didn't perform this.. well... dead.. in the regular season though, so there you go.
Derek Fisher and career castoff Shannon Brown are your shining lights to play better, coz the bench wont. Not a great thought is it. 
Go Denver 
You can’t handle the truth!
You know what happened to the Lakers? They took their opponent too lightly. They figured Yao was out, and the Rockets would roll over. That's not how that Rockets team works. A team that rolled off the second longest winning streak in history after Yao went out last year, that's the team the Lakers decided to be complacent about? What sort of leadership lets that happen? Paging Kobe, Phil Jackson and Derek "The Spear" Fisher.
All the Lakers had to do was guard the perimeter, with no post threat surely that's it. I can see it and I don't have any Championship rings, why didn't Phil? Why isn't anyone questioning him? Arguably the greatest coach of all time, and he laid an egg in last years Finals series, and this playoffs he's not exactly sparkling. His adjustments you speak of are non-existent. I'm worried. Not for the Lakers, coz I hope they lose, but for Phil, coz he's a man I hold in high esteem.
Onto Kobe's legacy. It rests on one person and it's him. He can stand up and be a focal point for his team, or he can shoot three times more than the next teammate and alienate everyone else in yellow and purple (including the crowd).
And to finish, I unfortunately have to agree about Paul Pierce. He is so hungry for shots, he makes Big Baby look like Calista Flockhart. It's just ugly ugly shot after ugly shot. If he didn't play for the Celtics, I'd hate him. But he does, and I love him for it. Ain't love grand!