Future Diary: Glen “Big Baby” Davis

Hey everyone! In an attempt to fully understand today's NBA player we've done something that no one else can do. Call it a "super exclusive" if you like. We've developed a time machine and have utilized it to gather insight into the inner-workings of the NBA. In an on-going series, 2soth will take a 360 degree look at various players from an unprecedented angle. The past, the present and the future...

These accounts are from February 25th 2015, and are proudly brought to you by Shawn Kemp's "Wax it fool!" Car Wash Centers. Affordable, and topless.

I present our first person of interest, Glen "Big Baby" Davis. Interviewed by me, Paul from 2soth.

Paul: Hello Glen, and thanks for joining me for this exclusive 2soth interview.

Big Baby: What up y'all? This is Glen "Big Baby" Davis coming at you live from Lincoln Financial Field in Superbowl city Philadelphia! Yeah!

P: Haha, that's great Glen... you've got a Superbowl ring now with the Eagles to go with your NBA Championship ring! How does that feel?

BB: Well man, it's been amazing. I look at where I've been, where I am and where I'm going... and it's all good for BIG Baby!!

P: Absolutely... but back to the question, how does it feel to be an NBA and NFL Champion??

BB: Aww man, it's great. I mean, I was feeling pretty bad 5 years ago when I broke my hand and got suspended but now it's all good! Anything is possiblllllllle!!

[At this stage I notice that Glen has a photo of Kevin Garnett in his wallet. And he is raising it to the sky in triumph]

P: O...k... tell us about those times with the Celtics, and more importantly the suspension. I mean, that was big news at the time.

BB: Yeah, I got a confession to make though Paul. I didn't break my hand in a fight.

P: Really? Do tell...

BB: Well, I was walking down the street eating a triple cheeseburger, damn I love those things... and I stopped to buy a newspaper. This edition had my main man KG on the cover, so I had to have it. I was trying to hold on to the burger and slide the newspaper out of the dispenser at the same time... but I was distracted by an ice cream van... damn, I love those things...

[At this stage I noticed that Glen also has a photo of an ice cream truck in his wallet]

P: Oh... do go on...

BB: Yeah... so as I was startled by the music, I dropped the burger inside the newspaper dispenser. I was SO upset! I must've punched and kicked that thing for half an hour, finally breaking the door open on the same blow that broke my hand.

P: Fascinating. So did the Celtics actually know this? Or have you kept it a secret until now?

BB: Nah man, Danny Ainge didn't know a thing. Why do you think he stuck up for me? Hell, that guy is one of a kind. When I was at LSU, I majored in hypnosis. It's kind of a hobby of mine. I basically got into Ainge's head on Draft night.

P: Hypnosis you say? That's amazing! Where else have you used this skill?

BB: Well I owed Rondo some money so I got Ainge to overpay him to the maximum.. And I also hypnotized Shaq. I made him say that I was his son.

[At this stage I noticed that Glen also has a photo of himself and Danny Ainge in his wallet]

P: So, I have to ask. With all these hypnosis skills, why were you so upset when you were subbed out of games? I mean, you were crying Glen!

BB: Watery eyes are a side effect of my hypnosis skills. I was trying to get into Doc and KG's head. But it was impossible... I was watering so much because I was trying so hard. Those two guys are incredible.

P: Well, as fascinating as this has been Glen, I'd like to wrap up this inter-

[At this stage all that can be heard on my recording device is muffled sounds and some movement]

The interview ended rather abruptly as I uncharacteristically blacked out. When I came to, I quickly returned to 2009 and discovered that my wallet was empty, my head was bruised and I responded quite strangely around ice cream trucks.

I also had a signed photo of Glen "Big Baby" Davis in my wallet.

Glen Davis is a master of hypnosis!